Fiction L
A Fake Internet Presence, since 1994
Home
TidBits
BLong
Source
GBuffy
Mutt
ClearSilver
Python
PyApache
PalmOS Tools

From: unknown
Subject: Does Santa Exist?
IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from
that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990)  I am pleased
to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
 No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only
Santa has ever seen.
 There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total  378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes
there's at least one good child in each.
 Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these
91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of
course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will
accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of
751/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least
once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest manmade
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second  a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
 The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a mediumsized lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload  not even
counting the weight of the sleigh  to 353,430 tons.
Again, for comparison  this is four times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth.
 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance  this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In
short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06
times greater than gravity. A 250pound Santa (which seems ludicrously
slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of
force.
In conclusion  If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
dead now.
The scientific reply.
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who
forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.

