A Fake Internet Presence,
Subject: If toasters were made by... (fwd)
If Toasters were made by...
- If IBM made toasters...
- They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted
for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five,
maybe six toasters.
- If Microsoft made toasters...
- Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster.
You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for
it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a
reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small
city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the
first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your
toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to
find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but
nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with
- If Apple made toasters...
- It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up,
or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb
burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special
set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share
would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be
exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.
- If The NeXT Corporation made toasters...
- It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for
the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files
would have an episode about it.
- If the NSA made toasters...
- Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national
- Does DEC still make toasters?...
- They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?
- If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
- They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and
gives you regular bread.
- If Sony made toasters...
- Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece
of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your
- If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
- Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your
authentic Civil War pewter toaster.
- If Cray made toasters...
- They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years.
- If Thinking Machines made toasters...
- You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same
- If Timex made toasters...
- They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a
licking and keep on toasting.
- If Radio Shack made toasters...
- The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You
would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
- If K-Tel sold toasters...
- They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of
- If Wang made toasters...
- Marketing would never agree upon what customers really want or need in a
toaster so millions of dollars would be spent in development and the
toaster would be several years late. Just after release Wang would buy
another company whose toaster ran on NT but would find that they got
more orders for the original.
From J.R. (tte at fyiowa.infi.net)
- If Personal Safety Corporation made toasters...
- You would get perfectly toasted bread, but it would spray you with pepper
gas and set off a 130dB alarm if you tried to remove the slice.
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who
forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.