A Fake Internet Presence,
Subject: OS Beer reviews (fwd)
From: Bill Cernansky (wcern at primenet.com)
Except the Open Windows part.
If Operating Systems Were Beers...
- DOS Beer:
- Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an
8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided
into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately.
Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep
drinking it after it's no longer available.
- Mac Beer:
- At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical.
When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list
is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are
told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you
to drag your empties to the trashcan.
- Windows 3.1 Beer:
- The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like
Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it
allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you
can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are
drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently
no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
- OS/2 Beer:
- Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously
too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode
when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see
anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
- Windows 95 Beer:
- You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim
it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes
more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look
inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will
probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows
95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the
small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer,
even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
- Windows NT Beer:
- Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The
can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to
change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95
beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and
suggested only for use in bars.
- Unix Beer:
- Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they
claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes
the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have
your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either
need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking
Unix Beer for several years.
- AmigaDOS Beer:
- The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked
up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import.
This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer
didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an
extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but
now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced,
it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much
over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim
that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
- OpenWindows Beer:
- Tastes a lot like Unix Beer, but comes in a flashier
can. This beer pours very easily, but then suddenly becomes the
consistency of molasses for a few seconds, and then returns to its
normal consistency. The manufacturer keeps trying to discontinue this
brew, but so far hasn't succeeded.
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who
forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.