A Fake Internet Presence,
From: (maybe) Marv Wolfman (marvw at primenet.com)
Subject: the Disney version
New Disney Classics
The Inferno by Dante AligheriThe poet Dante (the voice of Bruce Willis) is led by his friend Virgil (the voice of Anthony Quinn) on a magical trip underground to the land of "Heck." Among the delightful creatures they visit are the lovebirds Paolo and Francesca (the voices of Andrew Dice Clay and Rosie O'Donnell), the Crying Trees (the band Nirvana), and the Five Singing Little Devils (the Jacksons).
Moby Dick by Herman MelvilleCrusty seafarer Captain Ahab (the voice of Dom Deluise) and his lovely mermaid friend Fishtail (speaking voice of Brett Butler, singing voice of Alanis Morrissette) take Ahab's young nephew Ishmael (Matthew Broderick) on a delightful romp at sea in search of the legendary great white whale Moby Dick (voice of Robin Williams). Though songs of the whale's evil temper and destructiveness are sung by many of the friendly natives on the islands visited by the jolly crew, Moby turns out to be a lonely, but lovable, giant. Ishmael learns an important lesson: Things aren't always as they appear!
Animal Farm by George OrwellPigs, chickens, horses -- all the familiar barnyard crowd -- are the heroes of this charming celebration of teamwork and diversity. The poor animals, having suffered for years on a failing farm under the tyranny of the cruel farmer Jones (Robert Goulet), are suddenly liberated when Jones trips and falls down a well. Though things are chaotic at first, the kindly young pigs Snowball (Michael J. Fox) and Napoleon (Eddie Murphy) help the animals all work together to turn the farm into a model of efficiency and happiness. After the animals nurse Jones back to health, he changes his evil ways and promises to treat all living things as his equal.
Hamlet by William ShakespeareWith his father dead and his evil uncle Claudius (Sylvester Stallone) now ruling over the once-happy people of Denmark, all seems lost for poor prince Hamlet (Johnny Depp). But Hamlet's father (Leslie Nielson) is only pretending to be dead until he can safely help place his young son on the throne and his evil brother in jail. Featuring an underwater ballet with the beautiful Ophelia (Bette Midler) and the loony antics of a wise-guy skull named Yorick (Rodney Dangerfield), Hamlet's best friend.
No Exit by Jean-Paul SartreOld friends Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, and Minnie Mouse are surprised to find themselves sharing a room in a beautiful resort hotel. Their every need is catered to by a mysterious butler (Jim Carrey). Opening in conjunction with Walt Disney World's new attraction, Being-and-Nothingness Land.
The Metamorphosis by Franz KafkaYoung Gregor Samsa (Arnold Schwarzenegger), overwhelmed by the demands of his job as a clerk, wishes each night that he was a creature without responsibility. He is amazed one morning when he awakes to find himself changed into a beautiful beetle, which delights his family and terrifies his cruel boss (Jerry Seinfeld), who is horribly afraid of insects. Jiminy Cricket guides young Gregor to a happy community of insects that nest below the dull city of Prague.
Oedipus Rex by SophoclesThanks to the advice of a wise old owl (Sally Kellerman), a young boy (Neil Patrick Harris) avoids many traps set by the evil fates (Candice Bergen, Cybill Shepard, and Mary Tyler Moore) to help save Greece from disaster. The boy, who was stolen from his family at birth, is finally reunited with his loving mother (Barbara Streisand) and father (Bill Cosby).
Waiting for Godot by Samuel BeckettVladimir and Estragon (the delightful Chip 'n' Dale) wait for Godot (Rush Limbaugh), who arrives with limitless presents and makes all their dreams come true.
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
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