A Fake Internet Presence,
From: Holly Martin
(hmartin at indiana.edu)
Thought you might enjoy this. Just got it from at friend who I worked
for at the library this summer. Enjoy!
- Holly :)
- ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION
- You'll be making under $7 an hour.
- ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY
- You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
- AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY
- We want you to get your hopes up, but
there's no change in hell we'll be the next Mircosoft.
- PROFIT-SHARING PLAN
- Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't
be a profit.
- COMPETITIVE SALARY
- We remain competitive by paying slightly less than our
- JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
- We have no time to train you; you'll have to
introduce yourself to your co-workers.
- NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER
- Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago,
but we haven't done anything innovative since.
- IMMEDIATE OPENING
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month
ago. We're just now running the ad.
- SALES POSTITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER
- We're not going to supply
you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first
- Management won't answer questions.
- WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS
- After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a
$500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
- PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS
- After three years, we'll allow you to fund
your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching
- SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE
- . . . who still live with
their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
- We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress
well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
- COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT
- We have a lot of turnover.
- EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT
- Guys in gray suits will bore
you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
- JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM
- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
- FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT
- Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink
- A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT
- We booze it up at company parties.
- MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
- You'll be six months behind schedule on your
- SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED
- If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and
get us out of it.
- SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
- Some time each night and some time each weekend.
- SALARY RANGE $24K-$32K
- We'll offer you $22K to start.
- A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION
- You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
- FLEXIBLE HOURS
- Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
- DUTIES WILL VARY
- Anyone in the office can boss you around.
- WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED
- Those who missed the last round of lay-offs,
- MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
- We have no quality control.
- COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED
- Unless you wasted those four years studying
something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.
- Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
- APPLY IN PERSON
- If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position
has been filled.
- NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
- We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a
- SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
- You'll need it to
replace three people who just left.
- PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
- You're walking into a company in perpetual
- REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
- You'll have the responsibilities of a
manager, without the pay or respect.
- GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
- Management communicates, you listen, figure out
what they want and do it.
- ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD
- you whine, you're fired.
- ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY
- We loooooove brown nosers.
- I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS
- I'm usually on Prozac. When
I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
- I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL
- I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
- I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION
- I've used Microsoft Office.
- I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE
- I pilfer office supplies.
- MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES
- I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
- I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK
- I blame others for my mistakes.
- I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED
- I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
- I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR
- I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
- I'M PERSONABLE
- I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
- I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL
- I carry a Day-Timer.
- MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS
- You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
- I AM ADAPTABLE
- I've changed jobs a lot.
- I AM ON THE GO
- I'm never at my desk.
- I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED
- The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
- I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING
- I'm a college drop-out.
- I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS
- I've been accused of sexual harassment.
- THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION
- Wait! Don't throw me away!
- I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON
- Like, I'm gonna hold my breath
waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing
me luck in my future career."
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who
forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.