From: Holly Martin
(hmartin at indiana.edu)
Thought you might enjoy this. Just got it from at friend who I worked
for at the library this summer. Enjoy!
- Holly :)
- ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION
- You'll be making under $7 an hour.
- ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY
- You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
- AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY
- We want you to get your hopes up, but
there's no change in hell we'll be the next Mircosoft.
- PROFIT-SHARING PLAN
- Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't
be a profit.
- COMPETITIVE SALARY
- We remain competitive by paying slightly less than our
- JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
- We have no time to train you; you'll have to
introduce yourself to your co-workers.
- NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER
- Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago,
but we haven't done anything innovative since.
- IMMEDIATE OPENING
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month
ago. We're just now running the ad.
- SALES POSTITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER
- We're not going to supply
you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first
- Management won't answer questions.
- WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS
- After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a
$500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
- PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS
- After three years, we'll allow you to fund
your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching
- SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE
- . . . who still live with
their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
- We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress
well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
- COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT
- We have a lot of turnover.
- EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT
- Guys in gray suits will bore
you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
- JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM
- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
- FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT
- Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink
- A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT
- We booze it up at company parties.
- MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
- You'll be six months behind schedule on your
- SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED
- If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and
get us out of it.
- SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
- Some time each night and some time each weekend.
- SALARY RANGE $24K-$32K
- We'll offer you $22K to start.
- A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION
- You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
- FLEXIBLE HOURS
- Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
- DUTIES WILL VARY
- Anyone in the office can boss you around.
- WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED
- Those who missed the last round of lay-offs,
- MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
- We have no quality control.
- COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED
- Unless you wasted those four years studying
something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.
- Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
- APPLY IN PERSON
- If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position
has been filled.
- NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
- We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a
- SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
- You'll need it to
replace three people who just left.
- PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
- You're walking into a company in perpetual
- REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
- You'll have the responsibilities of a
manager, without the pay or respect.
- GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
- Management communicates, you listen, figure out
what they want and do it.
- ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD
- you whine, you're fired.
- ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY
- We loooooove brown nosers.
- I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS
- I'm usually on Prozac. When
I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
- I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL
- I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
- I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION
- I've used Microsoft Office.
- I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE
- I pilfer office supplies.
- MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES
- I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
- I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK
- I blame others for my mistakes.
- I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED
- I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
- I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR
- I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
- I'M PERSONABLE
- I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
- I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL
- I carry a Day-Timer.
- MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS
- You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
- I AM ADAPTABLE
- I've changed jobs a lot.
- I AM ON THE GO
- I'm never at my desk.
- I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED
- The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
- I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING
- I'm a college drop-out.
- I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS
- I've been accused of sexual harassment.
- THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION
- Wait! Don't throw me away!
- I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON
- Like, I'm gonna hold my breath
waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing
me luck in my future career."
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who
forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.
Copyright (C) 2009 Brandon Long. All Rights Reserved.
Terms of Service
The "I work for a big public company" disclaimer:
The views expressed on these pages are mine
alone and not those of my employer.
I am not now, nor have I ever been employed to speak for anyone.
Well, except my own company, but that's gone now.