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From: Holly Martin (hmartin at indiana.edu)
Thought you might enjoy this. Just got it from at friend who I worked for at the library this summer. Enjoy!

- Holly :)


EMPLOYER TALK

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION
You'll be making under $7 an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY
We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no change in hell we'll be the next Mircosoft.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying slightly less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

SALES POSTITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

SELF-MOTIVATED
Management won't answer questions.

WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS
After three years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE
. . . who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT
We have a lot of turnover.

EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT
Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT
We booze it up at company parties.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

SALARY RANGE $24K-$32K
We'll offer you $22K to start.

A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION
You'll give boring speeches on your own time.

FLEXIBLE HOURS
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED
Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.

CAREER-MINDED
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON
If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD
you whine, you're fired.

ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY
We loooooove brown nosers.

APPLICANT SPEAK

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION
I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE
I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK
I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL
I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE
I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO
I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING
I'm a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS
I've been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION
Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career."

Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.

 

 

The "I work for a big public company" disclaimer:
The views expressed on these pages are mine alone and not those of my employer. I am not now, nor have I ever been employed to speak for anyone. Well, except my own company, but that's gone now. For more information, see the Standard Disclaimer

Copyright (C) 2009 Brandon Long. All Rights Reserved.
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