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From: Daniel X. Pape (dpape at wintermute.ncsa.uiuc.edu)
Newsgroups: uiuc.test
Subject: ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!

... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!

Taoism
Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Hare Krishna
Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.
Confucianism
Confucious say, "Shit happens".
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."
Buddhism
If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.
Zen
What is the sound of shit happening?
7th Day Adventism
Shit happens on Saturdays.
Hinduism
I've seen this shit happening before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
This shit happening IS you.
Protestantism
If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
Calvinism
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Episcopalianism
If shit happens, hold a procession.
Lutheranism
Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Anglicanism
It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
Catholicism
If shit happens, you deserved it.
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
Charismatic Catholicism
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
Judaism
Why does shit always happen to US?
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
Reform Judaism
Got any laxatives?
Islam
If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
If shit happens, take a hostage.
We don't take any shit.
Nation of Islam
Don't take no shit!
New Age
That's not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honor it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
Were all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
Wicca
If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes shit happen.
Jehovah's Witnesses
No shit happens until Armaggedon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.
Secular Humanism
Shit evolves.
Darwinism
Survival of the shittiest.
Creationism
... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.
Christian Science
When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our shit will take care of itself.
Shit happens in your mind.
Atheism
I don't believe this shit!
Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
No shit!
It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.
Religion from an Atheist's point of view
I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.
Agnosticism
It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
What is this shit?!
I don't know shit!
How can we KNOW if shit happens?
You can't prove any of this shit!
Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this shit!
Hey, this is good shit, mon.
Mormonism
If shit happens, shun it.
Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)
Hey, there's more shit happening over here!
Our shit is better than your shit.
Shit happens again & again & again ...
Energizer Bunny
Shit happens and happens and happens and ...
Baptist
You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.
Southern Baptist
Shit will happen. Praise the lord!
Iraqi Baathist
Oh shit!
Voodoo
Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Let's stick some pins in this shit!
This shit's gonna get you!
Televangelism
Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening...
Unitarianism
What is this Shit?
We affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.
Orthodox
St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
Greek Orthodox
Shit happens, usually in threes.
EST
I am at cause that shit will not happen.
You're responsible for all the shit that happens.
Fundamentalism
There's no shit in the Bible.
Shit happens, but don't publish it.
Twelve Step
Shit happens one day at a time.
Amish
Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.
Native Americans
Shit is sacred when it happens.
Shintoism
You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Moonies
Only happy shit really happens.
Stoicism
This shit happening is good for me.
Zoroastrianism
Shit happens half the time.
Christianity stole half its shit from us.
Bahaism
Why do you keep shitting on us?
Mysticism
This is really weird shit.
Paganism
Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
Rajhneesh
Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.
Rosicrucianism
What is this AMORC shit?
Satanism
We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
We will make your shit happen.
Witchcraft
Mix this shit together and it will happen!
Scientology
All this happens to be shit.
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
Shamanism
Whoaa...Holy Shit!
Sikhism
Leave our shit alone.
Moilanenism
Smells like shit of finnish fish.
Sureshism
You are all pieces of shit.
Branch Davidianism
May shit happen to the FBI!
If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue...
David thinks he's hot shit.
Divorcism
She's full of shit!
He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit.
... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!
Creation Science
Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.
Discordianism
Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
Kibology
What's shit, and where can I get some?
Spam
Spam happens.
If Shit doesn't happen -- Spam will!
SubGenius
Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT.
Dianetics
"Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

SHIT HAPPENS

in other various ways

Yuppie Shit
It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
An Employer
Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
You may only shit during coffee breaks.
An Employee
I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
This shit's not part of my contract.
Environmentalism
Shit is biodegradable.
Political Correctness
Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological output happens.
Heisenbergism
Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.
Quantum Shittydynamics
Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.
Einsteinism
God does not play shit with the universe.
Shit is Relative.
Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law
Relatives are Shit.
Washington
I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.
Lincoln
Four score and seven shits ago...
Nixon
Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything about it.
Reagan
Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.
Quayle
Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?
Clinton
I didn't inhale this shit.
I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....
Bush
Read my lips: no more shit!
Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it.
This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.
Baker
Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?
Saddam
The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least
I'm still in power.
Perot
I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.
McCarthyism
Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
Martin Luther King
Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
I have a shit...
Julius Caesar
I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)
Kennedy
Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country.
John Paul Jones
I have not yet begun to shit.
James Tiberius Kirk
... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!
Shirley MacClaine
Haven't I seen this shit before...
Neil Armstrong
One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind.
Shakespeare
To shit or Not to shit, that is the question.
Computer Science
There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt
UNIX
Shit dumped.
VAX/VMS
No Privilege for attempted shit.
Macintosh
(Enough said)
IBM/DOS
It's shit, but it's compatible.
Windows
The same shit as DOS, only GUIer...
Cray
If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't NEED a supercomputer...
C
It's shit, but it's efficient.
Fortran
It's shit, but I don't know any better.
Cobol
It's shit, but it's job security.
BASIC
It's shit.
Communism
It's everybody's shit.
Marxism
The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.
Dictatorship of the shit.
Socialism
The same shit happens to everyone.
Capitalism
Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.
Americanism
Who gives a shit?
Materialism
Whoever dies with the most shit wins.
Cannibalism
Don't eat the shit.
Vegetarianism
If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
Hedonism
There's nothing quite like a good shit.
Existentialism
Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
Shit happening is absurd.
Realism
I think I need to take a shit.
Denialism
What shit?
Purism
If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
Procrastinationism
I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.
Avoidanceism
With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
Repressionism
I'll hold this shit in forever.
Fatalism
Oh shit, it's going to happen!
Surrealism
Fish.
Nihilism
Let's blow this shit up!
Fetishism
I love it when shit happens.
Masochism
Do shit to ME.
Sadism
I will shit on you!
Dyslexia
Tihs happens.

SHIT HAPPENS

according to the Philospohers

Thales
Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit
Epicurus
If shit happens, enjoy it.
Socrates
What is shit? Why is shit?
Aristotle
The essence of shittyness...
Archimedes
Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float?
Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.
Descartes
I think, so why am I in this shit?
I shit, therefore I am.
Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire)
The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.
Thoreau
I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.
Sartre
Shit is meaningless!
What is shit, anyway?
Freudianism
Shit is a phallic symbol.

SHIT HAPPENS

in various professions

Mathematician
Shit happening is just a special case...
Statistician
There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
Physicist (Theoretical)
Shit SHOULD happen.
Physicist (Experimental)
To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
Engineer
I hope this shit holds together.
Chemist
I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
Damn this shit smells...
Biologist
Is this shit alive?
Botanist
What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.
Economist
I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.
Beurocrat
I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
CEO
(1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
(1990's) Oooh, SHIT!
Lawyer
For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
Doctor
Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...
Acupuncturist
Hold still or it will hurt like shit.
Let all that shit go.
This will really get the energy shit moving.
Surgeon
Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?
Psychologist
Shit is in your mind.
Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.
Programmer
It's shit, but at least it compiles.
Social Scientist
Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
Historian
The same shit happens again and again.
Politician
It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
If you elect me, shit will never again happen.
Shit happening is bad for the economy.
My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.
A shit in every pot!
Read my lips! No new shit!
Do you think they will believe this shit?
Waitress
You want fries with that shit?
Teacher
Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?
Dean
Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.
Accountant
Why doesn't this shit add up?
Linguist
What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
(For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)
Quality Control Inspector
This shit ain't good enough.
IRS Auditor
I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.
Farmer
I get subsidies for my shit.
Union leader
Give us more shit or we'll strike.
Mafia boss
Rub the little shits out.
NYC Cab Driver
Damn, looks like I hit that shit...
Mechanic
Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.
Chef
It needs some more of this green shit.
Musician
This shit is out of tune.
Artist
If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.
Shit, I wish I thought of that.
Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.
Poet
My childhood was shit, let me share.
Ode to a Grecian Shit.
My love is like a red, red shit.
... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit...
programmers.

SHIT HAPPENS

to your pets

Dog
All I do is eat, sleep and shit.
I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.
When I catch a car, it will shit!
Oh shit, I caught it!
Cat
Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?
Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.
Dogs are shit.
I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in the corner. It is the dog's.
Fish
All I do is eat, swim and shit.
Always the same dried shit for dinner?
Snake
If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.

THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS

for Sanitation Engineers

0th:            There is shit.
1st:            You can't get rid of it.
2nd:            It gets deeper.
3rd:            A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.

Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.

 

 

The "I work for a big public company" disclaimer:
The views expressed on these pages are mine alone and not those of my employer. I am not now, nor have I ever been employed to speak for anyone. Well, except my own company, but that's gone now. For more information, see the Standard Disclaimer

Copyright (C) 2009 Brandon Long. All Rights Reserved.
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