A Fake Internet Presence,
From: Daniel X. Pape (dpape at wintermute.ncsa.uiuc.edu)
Subject: ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!
... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!
- Shit happens.
- If you can shit, it isn't shit.
- Shit happens, so flow with it.
- Hare Krishna
- Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
- She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
- she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
- Please this flower and buy our shit.
- Confucious say, "Shit happens".
- Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
- If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
- If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
- Shit will happen again to you next time.
- Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will
- What is the sound of shit happening?
- 7th Day Adventism
- Shit happens on Saturdays.
- I've seen this shit happening before.
- This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
- This shit happening IS you.
- If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
- If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
- Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
- If shit happens, hold a procession.
- Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
- It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
- If shit happens, you deserved it.
- You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
- Charismatic Catholicism
- Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you
- Why does shit always happen to US?
- Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
- Reform Judaism
- Got any laxatives?
- If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
- If shit happens, take a hostage.
- We don't take any shit.
- Nation of Islam
- Don't take no shit!
- New Age
- That's not shit, it's feldspar.
- A firm shit does not happen to me.
- This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
- I create my own shit.
- If shit happens, honor it and share it.
- Were all part of the same shit.
- For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
- If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
- The Goddess makes shit happen.
- Jehovah's Witnesses
- No shit happens until Armaggedon.
- There is only a limited amount of good shit.
- Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
- Here, we insist you take our shit.
- Shit happens door to door.
- Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.
- Secular Humanism
- Shit evolves.
- Survival of the shittiest.
- ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there
came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.
- Christian Science
- When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
- Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
- Our shit will take care of itself.
- Shit happens in your mind.
- I don't believe this shit!
- Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
- No shit!
- It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going
to taste it.
- Religion from an Atheist's point of view
- I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.
- It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so
I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
- What is this shit?!
- I don't know shit!
- How can we KNOW if shit happens?
- You can't prove any of this shit!
- Let's smoke this shit!
- Hey, this is good shit, mon.
- If shit happens, shun it.
- Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)
- Hey, there's more shit happening over here!
- Our shit is better than your shit.
- Shit happens again & again & again ...
- Energizer Bunny
- Shit happens and happens and happens and ...
- You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
- We'll wash the shit right off you.
- Southern Baptist
- Shit will happen. Praise the lord!
- Iraqi Baathist
- Oh shit!
- Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
- Let's stick some pins in this shit!
- This shit's gonna get you!
- Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop
- What is this Shit?
- We affirm the right for shit to happen.
- Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
- It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.
- St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
- Greek Orthodox
- Shit happens, usually in threes.
- I am at cause that shit will not happen.
- You're responsible for all the shit that happens.
- There's no shit in the Bible.
- Shit happens, but don't publish it.
- Twelve Step
- Shit happens one day at a time.
- Shit is good for the soil.
- This modern shit is worthless.
- Native Americans
- Shit is sacred when it happens.
- You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
- Only happy shit really happens.
- This shit happening is good for me.
- Shit happens half the time.
- Christianity stole half its shit from us.
- Why do you keep shitting on us?
- This is really weird shit.
- Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
- Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.
- What is this AMORC shit?
- We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
- We will make your shit happen.
- Mix this shit together and it will happen!
- All this happens to be shit.
- If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
- Whoaa...Holy Shit!
- Leave our shit alone.
- Smells like shit of finnish fish.
- You are all pieces of shit.
- Branch Davidianism
- May shit happen to the FBI!
- If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue...
- David thinks he's hot shit.
- She's full of shit!
- He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit.
- ... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!
- Creation Science
- Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.
- Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
- What's shit, and where can I get some?
- Spam happens.
- If Shit doesn't happen -- Spam will!
- Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to
MAKE MONEY FROM IT.
- "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)
in other various ways
- Yuppie Shit
- It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
- An Employer
- Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
- You may only shit during coffee breaks.
- An Employee
- I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
- This shit's not part of my contract.
- Shit is biodegradable.
- Political Correctness
- Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological
- Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.
- Quantum Shittydynamics
- Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.
- God does not play shit with the universe.
- Shit is Relative.
- Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law
- Relatives are Shit.
- I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.
- Four score and seven shits ago...
- Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything
- Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.
- Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?
- I didn't inhale this shit.
- I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....
- Read my lips: no more shit!
- Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
- This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
- This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it.
- This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.
- Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?
- The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least
- I'm still in power.
- I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.
- Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
- Martin Luther King
- Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
- I have a shit...
- Julius Caesar
- I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)
- Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but
what your shit can do for your country.
- John Paul Jones
- I have not yet begun to shit.
- James Tiberius Kirk
- ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!
- Shirley MacClaine
- Haven't I seen this shit before...
- Neil Armstrong
- One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind.
- To shit or Not to shit, that is the question.
- Computer Science
- There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt
- Shit dumped.
- No Privilege for attempted shit.
- (Enough said)
- It's shit, but it's compatible.
- The same shit as DOS, only GUIer...
- If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't NEED
- It's shit, but it's efficient.
- It's shit, but I don't know any better.
- It's shit, but it's job security.
- It's shit.
- It's everybody's shit.
- The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit
- Dictatorship of the shit.
- The same shit happens to everyone.
- Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
- If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.
- Who gives a shit?
- Whoever dies with the most shit wins.
- Don't eat the shit.
- If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
- There's nothing quite like a good shit.
- Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
- Shit happening is absurd.
- I think I need to take a shit.
- What shit?
- If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
- I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.
- With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
- I'll hold this shit in forever.
- Oh shit, it's going to happen!
- Let's blow this shit up!
- I love it when shit happens.
- Do shit to ME.
- I will shit on you!
- Tihs happens.
according to the Philospohers
- Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit
- If shit happens, enjoy it.
- What is shit? Why is shit?
- The essence of shittyness...
- Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float?
- Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.
- I think, so why am I in this shit?
- I shit, therefore I am.
- Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire)
- The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.
- I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out
- Shit is meaningless!
- What is shit, anyway?
- Shit is a phallic symbol.
in various professions
- Shit happening is just a special case...
- There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
- Physicist (Theoretical)
- Shit SHOULD happen.
- Physicist (Experimental)
- To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
- I hope this shit holds together.
- I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
- Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
- Damn this shit smells...
- Is this shit alive?
- What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.
- I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand
- I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill
out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant
Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
- (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
- (1990's) Oooh, SHIT!
- For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
- Take two shits and call me in the morning.
- Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...
- Hold still or it will hurt like shit.
- Let all that shit go.
- This will really get the energy shit moving.
- Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?
- Shit is in your mind.
- Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing
its subconscious shittiness.
- It's shit, but at least it compiles.
- Social Scientist
- Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
- The same shit happens again and again.
- It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
- If you elect me, shit will never again happen.
- Shit happening is bad for the economy.
- My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.
- A shit in every pot!
- Read my lips! No new shit!
- Do you think they will believe this shit?
- You want fries with that shit?
- Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?
- Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.
- Why doesn't this shit add up?
- What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
- (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)
- Quality Control Inspector
- This shit ain't good enough.
- IRS Auditor
- I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.
- I get subsidies for my shit.
- Union leader
- Give us more shit or we'll strike.
- Mafia boss
- Rub the little shits out.
- NYC Cab Driver
- Damn, looks like I hit that shit...
- Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.
- It needs some more of this green shit.
- This shit is out of tune.
- If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.
- Shit, I wish I thought of that.
- Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.
- My childhood was shit, let me share.
- Ode to a Grecian Shit.
- My love is like a red, red shit.
- ... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I
to your pets
- All I do is eat, sleep and shit.
- I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.
- When I catch a car, it will shit!
- Oh shit, I caught it!
- Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?
- Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.
- Dogs are shit.
- I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in
the corner. It is the dog's.
- All I do is eat, swim and shit.
- Always the same dried shit for dinner?
- If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.
THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS
for Sanitation Engineers
0th: There is shit.
1st: You can't get rid of it.
2nd: It gets deeper.
3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who
forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.