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Date: Mon, 29 Dec 1997 03:18:50 -0600 (CST)
From: Barton Warner (warner at
Subject: Old testament (fwd)

GOD is a Republican....


And the Lord said to Noah, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies began to cloud up and the rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his yard and weeping and there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is my ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet the code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.

Second, I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

Third, my neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning codes building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission.

Fourth, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.

Fifth, the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls.

"Sixth, I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to my taking only two of each kind.

Just when I got that suit dismissed, the seventh thing that happened was that EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being.

"Eighth, the Army Crops of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

"Right now I am still trying to resolve the complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of Use Tax. I really don't think I can finish Your Ark for at least another five years," wailed Noah.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "The Democrats already have."

Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.

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