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From: Richard Lynch (lynch at
Subject: ABOI: Re: Info for NU _Babylon 5_ Fans

The Original Crew vs. the Next Generation

Captain's Log, stardate: 90210.31415.
The Enterprise is currently passing through the gamma-hydra-epsilon-zeta-eta-theta sector on its way to transfer a group of Weeble-Wobbles to an important interplanetary meeting of some sort, which will have great significance for a whole bunch of star-systems, and is very important too.

"Yes, Spock?"
(Ominous-sounding music begins).
"I am picking up a strange reading off the port bow. Also, some ominous-sounding music has just begun."
"What is it?"
"I can't tell."
"I'm the captain, Spock, you can tell me, we've been friends for..."
"No captain, I mean I can't tell what the reading is."
"Well, let's go check it out. Sulu?"
"Aye, captain."
"Captain! It's a ship of some sort!"
"Steady, Sulu. Spock?"
"I can make out a number: N-C-C..."
"Captain! I'm receiving a signal!"
"On screen, Uhura."
< dramatic pause >
"Captain Stubing!!!"
"Is that 'The Love Boat', Spock?"
"I'm afraid it's far, far worse."
"You mean...?"
"It's a fifth-season Next-Generation Enterprise."
"Attention: outdated, old-fashioned, bad special-effected Enterprise. Your crew is no longer an acceptable ethnic and gender mix. There is not enough tension and conflict in your crew. Resistance is futile. More drama! More drama! You will be assimilated."

"Yooouuuu don't frighten me, baldy. You may have been good once, but here we have intelligent dialogue, thought-provoking situations, good actors..."

"And we have a warp field generator, and will emit a dodeceon particle flux to envelop your event horizon, thereby disrupting the temporal stochasm of the ship and effectively negatizing the subharmonic biometrics of your..."

"I have no idea what he is talking about."
"Yoooouuuuu don't scare us; you aren't even making sense."
"Ah, you and I know that, but the producer and audience do not."

Captain's Log, stardate:
we are trapped aboard this... artist's conception of a space vessel. It is our worst fears realized: Troi keeps trying to get Spock into therapy sessions. Worf keeps trying to care and share his feelings with Uhura, and keeps asking her for advice on how to "score" with the "babe". And, worst of all, that stinky Wesley kid keeps hanging around me.

"Captain Kirk!! Captain Kirk!!"
"Go away!"
"I re-did your Warp engines, and invented a bunch of equations. Wanna see?"
"Must... get... out!!!"
"I was piloting the shuttle through a gravimetric field emission..."
"Can't... hold on... or... think... much... longer... or... talk... at... normal... speed..."
"Hi Spock!! I was thinking about the time-space uhh-hhhh..."

"Spock, never before have I been so glad to see your pointy little ears."
"I too am... pleased. I have been hearing about the planet whose surface was -281 degrees Celsius. Captain, we cannot hold out much longer. These creatures feed on human intelligence; the damage may already be irrepairable. But I have found a way..."
"Yes, captain?"
"Where's that damn new-age recorder and flute crap coming from?"

Captain's Log, Supplemental.
The old Star Trek characters are resisting, but are beginning to break down. I will be meeting with them later today to discuss the use of "Man" versus "One", and empowerment through Continuous Quality Improvement.

"Captain Kirk. How very good to see you!"
"Yeah, whatever. I wanted to talk to you about something, though. I have been told that you have an Internet connection on board."
"Why yes, we..."
"Well this is very important. So important that I think the entire crew should watch."
"Oh, well then, if it's that important let's set it up."
"Computer." "Begin Internet access." "HTTP connect: show MPEG-13 movies of warp-field deceon particle emission simulation." "Access newsgroup nwu.general"
"My non-denominational God! It... it's like a dream come true! People... talking! About stuff! Interacting! Discussing! Look there..."
"Let's go, gang."

Captain's Log:
By utilizing HTTP we were able to use up all of the available computing power on the season-5 Enterprise, removing the non-existant field holding the Enterprise. By diverting their attention with a newsgroup, we were able to get back onto the real Enterprise, and are now making our escape just as fast as we can. I remember not liking those crazy Tholians and their web thingie, but I am now thankful, and reminded once again of the importance of the Internet, and how it can be utilized in many different ways, and...

"Yes, Spock."
"I was able to intercept a transmission to the season-5 Enterprise, before we went out of range."
"Well, let's see it."

In article <3gisbe$>,
Joshua N VanderBORG  wrote:
"It seems to be a quotation, captain."
>In article <3gfft5$>, Stephen Judd  wrote:
>>Is there?  I watch almost no TV but I find myself seriously addicted to
>>Babylon-5.  I also don't know anyone else who watches it with any sort
>>of religous fervor, the type of person you can just sit down with and
>>have a quiet "Babylon-5 Moment" with.
"My God, Spock! Just look at that!"
"Yes, captain, truly it is gifted prose."
"Keptin, it reminds me of Dostoyevsky, beck in Russia."
"It is like a song, melodious and charming."
"I bet the author is a dashingly handsome person."
"And humble, too."
"And Babylon-5! What visionary taste! What sophistication!"
"There is more, Captain."
>Seriously, people actually LIKE this show?
"Spock: Analysis."
"Unclear, captain. The answer is immediately obvious, and yet the question was asked still. Clearly a being of dubious intent, and doubtful intellect."
>Seems to me to be a pretty weak space opera with a sickeningly limited scope.
"Pretty ironic, considering our last encounter."
"Exactly, captain. The use of the term "opera" is quite suspect, and although perhaps important-sounding, ambiguous."
"And 'limited scope'. Doesn't sound like he spent much time with it."
"Hardly captain. I should say he saw ten or twenty minutes of two or perhaps three episodes. We are not dealing with rationality here."
>And their advertising makes it seem like the end of the universe is
>coming anytime soon, EVERY week. 
"Dammit Jim, what's this NONSENSE about advertising!? Can he back it up with a single quote?!"
"Really doctor, there's no need for emotion. We are clearly dealing with a Star Trek latecomer, unaccostomed to intellectual discourse, thoughts which are presented rather than spoon-fed to the viewer, and stories which are carefully thought-out and build upon each other from time to time as the series continues, making a thoroughly enjoyable experience to the new viewer as well as the long-time viewer. Truly, a great television series."
>Oh, but wait, thats WHEN they have new episodes, so what am I complaining
>about...  :)
"Analysis, Mr. Spock?"
"I have none to offer."
"Very well. Let's get out of here."
(Triumphant theme music)

Captain's Log: Supplemental.
Whew. A long day. Oh how I wish they served beer on the ship. Because when I've had a long day's work, I like to have a Mars Lite: it fills you up, but won't slow you down. With the Weeble's now safely transferred, we are exploring an uncharted area of the galaxy.

"Yes, Uhura?"
"I am getting another signal. It's origin is a small silly looking hunk of something orbiting a planet. There seems to be a lot of yelling and arguing going on."
"On speaker."
"Captain Kirk!!!! This is Commander Sisko. You have NO RIGHT to be HERE!!! We DO what we MUST, and nobody, NOBODY can take-that-from US!!! We CANNOT continue WITHOUT..."
"Sulu! Warp nine! Get us out of here, fast!"
"Captain! There's a small ship behind us! It looks like it's been on quite a voyage. It's powering up warp field deceon subspace quantum singularity particle techspeak emitters!!!"
"Oh, heaven help us. Scotttttyyyyy!!!!!"

All is quiet...

"Chekov, where are we?"
"Keptin? We... "
"We are now in Syndication, Mr. Chekov, and safe at last. You are free to go."
"I tink I like that Babylon-5 place... maybe I vill go and visit them there."
"Captain, I'm picking up something... it's another ship."
"Captain, I'm receiving a signal."
"On... on screen..."


>>Gosh, if it weren't for B5 the Power Rangers would be the only thing
>>left on TV worth watching.
>Oh, Sorry, THAT explains it....

Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.

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