From: Richard Lynch (lynch at ils.nwu.edu)
Subject: ABOI: Re: Info for NU _Babylon 5_ Fans
The Original Crew vs. the Next Generation
Captain's Log, stardate: 90210.31415.
The Enterprise is currently passing through the gamma-hydra-epsilon-zeta-eta-theta sector on its way to transfer
a group of Weeble-Wobbles to an important interplanetary meeting of some sort,
which will have great significance for a whole bunch of star-systems, and is
very important too.
(Ominous-sounding music begins).
"I am picking up a strange reading off the port bow. Also, some
ominous-sounding music has just begun."
"What is it?"
"I can't tell."
"I'm the captain, Spock, you can tell me, we've been friends for..."
"No captain, I mean I can't tell what the reading is."
"Well, let's go check it out. Sulu?"
"Captain! It's a ship of some sort!"
"Steady, Sulu. Spock?"
"I can make out a number: N-C-C..."
"Captain! I'm receiving a signal!"
"On screen, Uhura."
< dramatic pause >
"Is that 'The Love Boat', Spock?"
"I'm afraid it's far, far worse."
"It's a fifth-season Next-Generation Enterprise."
"Attention: outdated, old-fashioned, bad special-effected Enterprise.
Your crew is no longer an acceptable ethnic and gender mix. There is not
enough tension and conflict in your crew. Resistance is futile. More drama!
More drama! You will be assimilated."
"Yooouuuu don't frighten me, baldy. You may have been good once, but
here we have intelligent dialogue, thought-provoking situations, good
"And we have a warp field generator, and will emit a dodeceon
particle flux to envelop your event horizon, thereby disrupting the
temporal stochasm of the ship and effectively negatizing the subharmonic
biometrics of your..."
"I have no idea what he is talking about."
"Yoooouuuuu don't scare us; you aren't even making sense."
"Ah, you and I know that, but the producer and audience do not."
Captain's Log, stardate:
we are trapped aboard this... artist's conception
of a space vessel. It is our worst fears realized: Troi keeps trying to
get Spock into therapy sessions. Worf keeps trying to care and share his
feelings with Uhura, and keeps asking her for advice on how to "score" with
the "babe". And, worst of all, that stinky Wesley kid keeps hanging around
"Captain Kirk!! Captain Kirk!!"
"I re-did your Warp engines, and invented a bunch of equations.
"Must... get... out!!!"
"I was piloting the shuttle through a gravimetric field emission..."
"Can't... hold on... or... think... much... longer... or... talk...
at... normal... speed..."
"Hi Spock!! I was thinking about the time-space uhh-hhhh..."
"Spock, never before have I been so glad to see your pointy
"I too am... pleased. I have been hearing about the planet whose
surface was -281 degrees Celsius. Captain, we cannot hold out much longer.
These creatures feed on human intelligence; the damage may already be
irrepairable. But I have found a way..."
"Where's that damn new-age recorder and flute crap coming from?"
Captain's Log, Supplemental.
The old Star Trek characters are resisting,
but are beginning to break down. I will be meeting with them later today
to discuss the use of "Man" versus "One", and empowerment through Continuous
"Captain Kirk. How very good to see you!"
"Yeah, whatever. I wanted to talk to you about something, though.
I have been told that you have an Internet connection on board."
"Why yes, we..."
"Well this is very important. So important that I think the entire
crew should watch."
"Oh, well then, if it's that important let's set it up."
"Computer." "Begin Internet access." "HTTP connect: show MPEG-13
movies of warp-field deceon particle emission simulation." "Access
"My non-denominational God! It... it's like a dream come true!
People... talking! About stuff! Interacting! Discussing! Look there..."
"Let's go, gang."
By utilizing HTTP we were able to use up all of the available
computing power on the season-5 Enterprise, removing the non-existant
field holding the Enterprise. By diverting their attention with a newsgroup,
we were able to get back onto the real Enterprise, and are now making our
escape just as fast as we can. I remember not liking those crazy Tholians
and their web thingie, but I am now thankful, and reminded once again of
the importance of the Internet, and how it can be utilized in many different
"I was able to intercept a transmission to the season-5 Enterprise,
before we went out of range."
"Well, let's see it."
In article <firstname.lastname@example.org>,
Joshua N VanderBORG wrote:
"It seems to be a quotation, captain."
>In article <email@example.com>, Stephen Judd wrote:
>>Is there? I watch almost no TV but I find myself seriously addicted to
>>Babylon-5. I also don't know anyone else who watches it with any sort
>>of religous fervor, the type of person you can just sit down with and
>>have a quiet "Babylon-5 Moment" with.
"My God, Spock! Just look at that!"
"Yes, captain, truly it is gifted prose."
"Keptin, it reminds me of Dostoyevsky, beck in Russia."
"It is like a song, melodious and charming."
"I bet the author is a dashingly handsome person."
"And humble, too."
"And Babylon-5! What visionary taste! What sophistication!"
"There is more, Captain."
>Seriously, people actually LIKE this show?
"Unclear, captain. The answer is immediately obvious, and yet the
question was asked still. Clearly a being of dubious intent, and doubtful
>Seems to me to be a pretty weak space opera with a sickeningly limited scope.
"Pretty ironic, considering our last encounter."
"Exactly, captain. The use of the term "opera" is quite suspect,
and although perhaps important-sounding, ambiguous."
"And 'limited scope'. Doesn't sound like he spent much time with it."
"Hardly captain. I should say he saw ten or twenty minutes of two or
perhaps three episodes. We are not dealing with rationality here."
>And their advertising makes it seem like the end of the universe is
>coming anytime soon, EVERY week.
"Dammit Jim, what's this NONSENSE about advertising!? Can he back
it up with a single quote?!"
"Really doctor, there's no need for emotion. We are clearly dealing
with a Star Trek latecomer, unaccostomed to intellectual discourse,
thoughts which are presented rather than spoon-fed to the viewer, and
stories which are carefully thought-out and build upon each other from
time to time as the series continues, making a thoroughly enjoyable
experience to the new viewer as well as the long-time viewer. Truly,
a great television series."
>Oh, but wait, thats WHEN they have new episodes, so what am I complaining
"Analysis, Mr. Spock?"
"I have none to offer."
"Very well. Let's get out of here."
(Triumphant theme music)
Captain's Log: Supplemental.
Whew. A long day. Oh how I wish they
served beer on the ship. Because when I've had a long day's work, I
like to have a Mars Lite: it fills you up, but won't slow you down.
With the Weeble's now safely transferred, we are exploring an
uncharted area of the galaxy.
"I am getting another signal. It's origin is a small silly
looking hunk of something orbiting a planet. There seems to be a lot of
yelling and arguing going on."
"Captain Kirk!!!! This is Commander Sisko. You have NO RIGHT
to be HERE!!! We DO what we MUST, and nobody, NOBODY can take-that-from
US!!! We CANNOT continue WITHOUT..."
"Sulu! Warp nine! Get us out of here, fast!"
"Captain! There's a small ship behind us! It looks like it's
been on quite a voyage. It's powering up warp field deceon subspace
quantum singularity particle techspeak emitters!!!"
"Oh, heaven help us. Scotttttyyyyy!!!!!"
All is quiet...
"Chekov, where are we?"
"Keptin? We... "
"We are now in Syndication, Mr. Chekov, and safe at last. You
are free to go."
"I tink I like that Babylon-5 place... maybe I vill go and visit
"Captain, I'm picking up something... it's another ship."
"Captain, I'm receiving a signal."
"On... on screen..."
>>Gosh, if it weren't for B5 the Power Rangers would be the only thing
>>left on TV worth watching.
>Oh, Sorry, THAT explains it....
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who
forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.