A Fake Internet Presence,
Date: Fri, 23 Jan 98 00:38:54 UT
From: "Jennifer Blankenheim" (JenBlank at classic.msn.com)
Subject: 100 Reasons to be glad you are a guy (fwd)
100 Reasons It's Great To Be A Guy!
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- Movie nudity is virtually always female.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Monday Night Football.
- You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
- Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained
- Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
- When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at
every shot of somebody crying.
- Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.
- All your orgasms are real.
- A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
- Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into
- You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere
- You understand why Stripes is funny.
- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
- When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that
everyone secretly hates you.
- You can kill your own food.
- The garage is all yours.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
- Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
- You never have to clean a toilet.
- You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
- Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
- your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
- The National College Cheerleading Championship.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
- If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
- You can write your name in the snow.
- You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
- Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
- Flowers fix everything.
- You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
- You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
- You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
- You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry
about what people will think.
- Foreplay is optional.
- Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
- Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. (We'd love it if women
did this as well!)
- You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's
- You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking He must be mad at me.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's
about to leave you.
- You get to jump up and slap stuff.
- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
- One mood, all the time
- You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
- You never have to drive on to another gas station because this
one's just too skeevy.
- you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
- You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
- Same work...more pay!
- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
- You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
- Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
- You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
- With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
- You don't mooch off others' desserts.
- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
- The remote control is yours and yours alone.
- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
- ESPN's SportsCenter.
- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
- Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
- You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
- You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
- You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the
- If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't
tell your other friends you've changed.
- Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
- You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F@#k
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
just might become lifelong buddies.
- Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not
in the mood.
- You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
- If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a
hammer or throw it across the room.
- New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
- Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
- You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and
- Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice
- There's always a game on somewhere.
10 Things That Suck About Being A Guy
- You have to take out the garbage.
- The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
- No sofas in your restrooms.
- External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
- Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper,
you're not allowed to cry.
- James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
- Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
- You have to wear ties.
- you can't flirt your way out of a jam.
- "Women and children first."
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who
forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.