A Fake Internet Presence,
125 Things Never to Say During Sex
- Is it in?
- That's it?
- You've got to be kidding me.
- (phone rings) Hello? Oh nothing and you?
- Do I have to pay for this?
- Do I have to call you tomorrow?
- Oh momma, momma!
- Oh dadda, dadda!
- You look better in the dark.
- This is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
- I thought that goes in the other hole...
- Don't tell my husband/wife.
- You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
- This sucks.
- Can you finish now? I have a meeting...
- I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
- I think you might get the job for this.
- Damn! Is that all you know how to do?
- Did I tell you I have herpes?
- Now we must get married.
- Hurry up, the game's about to start.
- I'm hungry.
- I'm thirsty.
- Are you trying to be funny?
- Can I have a ride home after this?
- Are those real?
- By the way, I want to break up.
- Is that smell coming from you?
- Haven't you ever done this before?
- Wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
- Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
- You're so much like your sister...
- Your mom's cute.
- What's your name again?
- Do I have to be here in the morning?
- A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
- But you just started!
- You're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!
- Don't touch that!
- Can we order a pizza?
- I think my dad is listening at the door.
- Smile for the camera, honey!
- Take off that damn monkey glove!
- Get your hand out of there!
- I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
- I knew you wore a padded bra!
- Cover me boys, I'm going in!
- DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
- Fire one!
- God, that is small!
- Hold on, let me change the channel...
- Who smells like fish?
- Is it OK if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
- Your best friend does it much better.
- Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
- Hurry up, the motor's running.
- You're fogging up the wind shield.
- Can I borrow 5 bucks?
- What the hell noise was that?!
- Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
- Shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
- You know, you're not really attractive.
- I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
- What, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!
- Stop interrupting me!
- I have to take a shit.
- Did I leave the iron on?
- Your breath is funky.
- (start singing Green Day)
- Is it OK if I call someone, its OK though, keep going...
- Its OK honey, I can just imagine that it's bigger.
- God I wish you were a real woman.
- Why can't you ever shave your legs?
- By the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog...
- Oh Susan, Susan... I mean Donna... Shit.
- Your breast milk is like my mom's...
- You're hairy!
- Your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
- Is it OK if I never see you again?
- Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
- Don't make that face at me!
- All of a sudden I have a headache.
- You're boring.
- I like your tits.
- Suck my dick, bitch.
- How much do I owe you?
- How come we each have a penis?
- Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
- Your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
- Just use your finger, its bigger.
- Does your family have to watch?
- We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
- Get off me, I'll do it myself!
- Can you hold this sandwhich for me?
- You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
- The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
- My mom taught me this...
- How cute... Peach fuzz!
- Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
- Should I ask why you're bleeding?
- This is my pet rat, Larry...
- If you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
- I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
- I was once a woman...
- Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
- No I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!
- Is it OK if I tell my friends about this?
- I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
- You wanted me to use a condom?
- You're no better than my brother!
- Fire in the hole!
- I wanna see how many quaters I can fit in there.
- Hurry up, I'm late for a date.
- OK start... Oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE?!
- You ever see Basic Instinct?
- I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
- Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
- Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
- You got boogies showing.
- (start reciting the 10 Commandments)
- I think I just shit on your bed.
- Of course I don't love you.
- Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who
forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.