A Fake Internet Presence,
From: "Holly K. Martin" (hmartin at indiana.edu)
Subject: boyfriends/girlfriends (fwd)
This is kinda funny. At least at 8 am.
The 9 Types of Boyfriends
- Joe Sensitive
- "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
- Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled
- Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
- Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
- Old Man Grumpus
- "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
- Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow Mover, Jerk
- Advantages: Stays put; predictable
- Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
- "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
- Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
- Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
- Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
- "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
- Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb
- Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
- Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
- Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug
- Advantages: Well rested; easy target
- Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
- The Sneak
- "Who, me?"
- Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
- Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
- Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
- Ace of Hearts
- "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
- Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
- Advantages: Perpetually aroused
- Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
- The Dreamer
- "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
- Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
- Advantages: Tells good stories
- Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
- Mr. Right
- "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
- Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
- Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
- Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
The 9 Types of Girlfriends
- Ms. Nice Guy
- "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
- Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main
- Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
- Disadvantages: May wise up someday
- Old Yeller
- "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent
son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
- Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog
- Advantages: Pays attention to you
- Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
- "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
- Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
- Advantages: Predictable
- Disadvantages: Contagious
- The Bosser
- "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a
haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that
- Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and
Chain, Yes Mom
- Advantages: Often right
- Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
- Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
- "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, and hair color?"
- Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
- Advantages: Easily soothed
- Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
- Wild Woman out of Control
- "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an'
make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
- Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed
- Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
- Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
- "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
- Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly
Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
- Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
- Disadvantages: You will have no friends
- Woman from Mars
- "I believe this interpretive dance will explain
how I feel about our relationship."
- Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
- Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
- Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
- Ms. Dreamgirl
- "I am utterly content with you just the way you are,
my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like
crazed weasels now!"
- Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
- Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
- Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
I've been told this is by Matt Groening, from Life is Hell
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who
forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.