From: "Holly K. Martin" (hmartin at indiana.edu)
Subject: boyfriends/girlfriends (fwd)
This is kinda funny. At least at 8 am.
The 9 Types of Boyfriends
- Joe Sensitive
- "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
- Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled
- Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
- Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
- Old Man Grumpus
- "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
- Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow Mover, Jerk
- Advantages: Stays put; predictable
- Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
- "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
- Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
- Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
- Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
- "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
- Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb
- Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
- Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
- Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug
- Advantages: Well rested; easy target
- Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
- The Sneak
- "Who, me?"
- Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
- Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
- Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
- Ace of Hearts
- "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
- Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
- Advantages: Perpetually aroused
- Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
- The Dreamer
- "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
- Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
- Advantages: Tells good stories
- Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
- Mr. Right
- "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
- Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
- Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
- Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
The 9 Types of Girlfriends
- Ms. Nice Guy
- "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
- Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main
- Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
- Disadvantages: May wise up someday
- Old Yeller
- "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent
son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
- Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog
- Advantages: Pays attention to you
- Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
- "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
- Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
- Advantages: Predictable
- Disadvantages: Contagious
- The Bosser
- "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a
haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that
- Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and
Chain, Yes Mom
- Advantages: Often right
- Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
- Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
- "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, and hair color?"
- Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
- Advantages: Easily soothed
- Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
- Wild Woman out of Control
- "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an'
make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
- Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed
- Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
- Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
- "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
- Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly
Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
- Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
- Disadvantages: You will have no friends
- Woman from Mars
- "I believe this interpretive dance will explain
how I feel about our relationship."
- Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
- Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
- Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
- Ms. Dreamgirl
- "I am utterly content with you just the way you are,
my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like
crazed weasels now!"
- Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
- Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
- Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
I've been told this is by Matt Groening, from Life is Hell
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who
forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.
Copyright (C) 2009 Brandon Long. All Rights Reserved.
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