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From: Syed Abdul Maroof (maroos at jec321.its.rpi.edu)

CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

Element:
Woman
Symbol:
Wo
Discoverer:
Adam
Quantitative Analysis:
Accepted at 36-24-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-25 to 60-55-60 have been identified.
Occurrence:
Found wherever Man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
Physical Properties:
Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted to money and sports cars. In its natural shape, the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernible except to the experienced eye.
Chemical Properties:
Has great affinity for Au, Ag and Cu, especially in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH, and sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is often required (you must say you love her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates when in the dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied at the correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage:
Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.
Uses:
Highly ornamental. Used as a tonics for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent - if properly prepared.
Tests:
Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
Caution:
Most powerful reducing agent known to Man (income and ego). Highly explosive in experienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.
NOTE:
It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.

Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.

 

 

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